*****

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried.

The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’

A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says…’She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

*****

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses…’Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

*****

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! — Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’

And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

*****

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes.  She just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

*****

SENIOR DRIVING — As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’

‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of  them!’

*****

DRIVING — Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself  ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

*****

*****

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could  have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen  nuggets.

“We don’t have half dozen nuggets”, said the teenager at the counter.

“You don’t?” I replied.

“We only have six, nine, or twenty,” was the reply.

“So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”

“That’s right.”

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

*****

I was checking out at the local WalMart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” …and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today”.

She said “OK” and  I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened….

*****

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy”.

*****

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

“Do you  need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced  the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car.

Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know.

Do you have an alarm too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I  replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries? It’s a long walk.”

*****

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing  paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier paper,”  the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies. *! ? !*

*****

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle  was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister”.

I asked the  manager what had happened.

He told me that the driver had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

*****

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

*****

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn’t telling the truth.

Believing the “lie detector” was working, The suspect *CONFESSED !!*

*****

* YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE SOME OF THESE *

Hard to believe that people are this stupid and like they said…they live among us. Scarry, isn’t it?…well, real along…

*****

New York resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’ After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: ‘Which of the following is the largest?’

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant

C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. ‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.

‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’ Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?

B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.’

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Duh, that can’t be it.’

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice. ‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see… I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath – and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

Caution…they walk among us!

*****

This one is equally unbelievable.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted….’Look at that dead bird!’

Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where?’

*****

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.

*****

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…

*****

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

*****

And last, but not least: (Jack Layton is leader of the NDP party in Canada)

*A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATION WE HAVE, TRUE STORY**

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Jack Layton happened to appear. Mr. Layton took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ he asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’

‘What sort of question?’ asked Layton.

Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”

Layton thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’

*****

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, They vote! And they also reproduce !!!!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words and partisan bickering politics.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your Policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

- Walter Kerr

*****

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

- Winston Churchill

*****

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

- Clarence Darrow

*****

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

*****

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

- Moses Hadas

*****

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

- Mark Twain

*****

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..”

- Oscar Wilde

*****

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. If you have one.”

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

*****

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…. If there is one.”

-  Winston Churchill, in response.

*****

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

- Stephen Bishop

*****

“He (Obama?) is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

- John Bright

*****

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

- Irvin S. Cobb

*****

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

- Samuel Johnson

*****

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

*****

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

- Charles, Count Talleyrand

*****

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

- Forrest Tucker

*****

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

- Mark Twain

*****

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

- Mae West

*****

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..”

- Oscar Wilde

*****

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.”

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

*****

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

- Billy Wilder

*****

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.** **But this wasn’t it.”

- Groucho Marx

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for Fox Cable News,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is… You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

It’s that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

*Answer*: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast’ give up now and do something else…Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

*Answer*: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said ‘water,’ proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

*Answer*: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading these???

If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven….Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

*Answer*: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign..” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

“How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign..It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY -  Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

Practice makes a man perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect….. .so why practice?

…………

Money is not everything.
There’s MasterCard & Visa.

…………

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

…………

Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.

…………

Love thy neighbor.
But don’t get caught.

…………

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

…………

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

…………

The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

…………

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

…………

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

…………

Love is photogenic – It needs darkness to develop!

…………

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause Children

…………

“Your future depends on your dreams” – So go to sleep

…………

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every Morning

…………

“Hard work never killed anybody” – But why take the risk!

………….

“Work fascinates me” – I can look at it for hours!

…………

God made relatives; – Thank God, we can choose our friends.

…………

When two’s company, – three’s the result!

…………

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So… Why learn.

…………

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a workstation… what more can I say…!

…………

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead…

“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

“I told you” the wife replies,”he died last week.”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”

He replied laughing,

“I just love hearing it…”

Shaadi ke pehle – Agar Tum Na Hote
Shaadi ke baad – Agar Tum Na Hote

Shaadi ke pehle – Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad – Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad – Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle – Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad – Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle – Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad – Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle – Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad – Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle – Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad – Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad – Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle – Titanic
Shaadi ke baad – Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad – Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle – Yes Boss
Shaadi ke baad – Yes Boss

Shaadi ke pehle – Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad – Chutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle – Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad – If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle – Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad – Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Apke Hain
Shaadi he baad – Hum Apke Hai Koun?